Top 10 Fictional Custodians (or janitors, if you want to be a dick about it)

I just started a new job, and in a completely unrelated stream of thought, I got to thinking who were the best fictional janitors of all-time? Fortunately, I thought of 10, and now can present them in Internet List form.

10. Thurgood Jenkins, Half Baked


Thurgood parlays a job as a janitor (custodian, dick) at a research lab into a weed supply that makes him New York City's premier dealer. The only downside is now he has to deal with Samson.

9. Stanley Spadowski, UHF


Stanley turns what could have been a bad situation (getting fired from the network affiliate) into a dream job (hosting his own talk show, while still getting to be the janitor!)



8. Carl Reed, The Breakfast Club


I couldn't find any video of Carl, so I'll let Wikipedia explain why he's awesome.
"A school janitor who tells the kids he is the eyes and ears of the school. He hears all of their conversations. A brief shot at the beginning of the movie reveals he was once voted "Man of the Year" when he attended the high school years before. Although Bender mocks Carl a bit (as he does with everybody), they end the day on a friendly note, Bender mentioning that he'll see him next week. Carl seems, however, to be on friendly terms with Bender from the beginning. He seems to know the students at the school very well, and when Vernon tells him, "Someday, these kids are gonna take care of me," He replies, 'Don't count on it.'"
Also, he blackmails the principal for 50 dollars, which is pretty cool.

7. Dr. John Kimble, The Fugitive


After escaping prison to prove he didn't kill his wife, the good doctor has the balls to not only return to Chicago, but to pose as a (Hispanic!) janitor in a hospital. When not cleaning blinds, Kimble saves a boy's life (after Juliane Moore catches him writing on the boy's chart) and solves his wife's murder.

6. Elaine Benes, Seinfeld


Now we all know Elaine wasn't actually a janitor, but in the episode "The Pothole" she pretends she lives in a janitor's closet to get Chinese food delivery. When a tenant notices her exiting the closet, she scolds Elaine for not fulfilling her janitorial duties. Apparently deciding the Chinese food is worth it, Elaine takes care of business, making her one of the few janitors on this list that actually did custodial duties.

5. Rolo The Janitor, Billy Madison


In addition to his awesome sideburns, Rolo also has good taste in beverages.

4. Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore
Happy's only claim to fame as a janitor was putting his mop between his legs so it looked like a penis. Well done, Happy, well done.

3. Brian (Jack Teller), The Score


Edward Norton retards it up (but not full retard) as a janitor in a customs house he and Robert DeNiro are trying to rob for Marlon Brando (I think). Okay, bye bye!

2. Will Hunting, Good Will Hunting


Will is a genius who works as a janitor and refuses all opportunites because his dad did shit to him. But it's not his fault, and he's also got some apples you may like.

1. Janitor, Die Hard With A Vengeance
When Simon Gruber puts a bomb in Chester A. Arthur Elementary, the entire NYPD hot tails it there to defuse the bomb and evacuate the kids. After everyone's evacuated (but the bomb still isn't defused), Samuel L. Jackson's stupid nephews are still in the building, locked in a classroom. Two cops go running in after them, but not before the janitor tosses them the keys to the room. He would have been a hero, except: the cops didn't know what key opened the door, so they just kicked it down; they then forgot which way they came in so they ran to the roof and got stuck up there; and the bomb was never real, so no got hurt. A little anticlimatic, sure, but looking at what site this list is on, did you expect anyone else to be number 1?

A quick Oscar thought...

I just saw Slumdog Millionaire over the weekend with the girlfriend and friends, and, even without having seen any of the other nominees, I have to agree with the Academy's decision regarding Best Picture, at least compared to the nominees. (My favorite movie of 2008, In Bruges, wasn't even nominated.) I do have some reservations about the decision to give Danny Boyle the award for Best Director, though. Again, I didn't see any of the other nominees (I thought Darren Afronosky did the best job of the year in The Wrestler, making the only first-person movie I've ever seen), but I have to imagine that they didn't fill a large chunk of the middle of their films with a music video. If you haven't seen it, there are a series of scenes depicting the main character and his brother living on a train, stealing goods and then selling them to get by. The entire sequence serves as an excellent music video for M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes," and then is followed by a Taj Mahal-set music video for DFA's remix of the same song. Both would be the best music videos I've seen since Zach Galifianakis stood in for Kanye, and they were certainly enjoyable, but they don't seem like examples of great directing. That being said, it's good to not only see the 80s montage back in full force, but to see it recognized by the esteemed Academy.

RELATED VIDEOS

Danny Boyle's video for "Paper Planes"


MIA's video for "Paper Planes"


DFA remix of "Paper Planes"


"It's got an 'S' on it" from The Wrestler


Fucking Bruges


Zach Galifianakis is Kanye West

6 Things I Know About Prince of Persia...

I just finished up the new Prince of Persia, and wanted to offer some thoughts...

1. The game is pretty easy, but I still felt a bit of a challenge, especially when you get into the wall run and flying power up "mini-games."

2. The combat is really terrible at first, but once I got the hang of deflecting blows, it became a lot more satisfying. That said, it is EXTREMELY repetitive. Fortunately, you only fight two enemies per stage.

3. The graphics and art design are stunning. The characters are especially well-realized, but the landscapes and enemies are no slouches, either.

4. The story is a little confusing, but engrossing nonetheless. At every step I feel compelled to continue forward, and as Justin McEllroy of Joystiq stated when he birthed the new age of game criticism, story in video games is less about conveying a well-told narrative (which this almost does anyway) and more about motivating the player to continue forward.

5. The main characters are two of the more enjoyable video game characters I can imagine I will ever see. They are both at heart striving to do the right thing, yet still flawed in complex (for a video game) ways. The enemies, too, have intriguing back stories, and since you encounter each of them several times, there is an opportunity for those stories to be told.

5. The final boss fight is a unique take on boss fights that completely changes the way the game is presented while still maintaining its core elements. That I felt so tense during this fight even though I knew I couldn't die or fail is a testament to the creative way it is presented.

6. In conclusion, Prince of Persia was a breezy, fun experience that had a surprisingly weighty ending that I didn't necessarily agree with, but that did leave me satisfied. (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!) The moment when the Prince carries Eleka's corpse out of the temple is one of the most poignant moments in videogames, and I wish it had just ended there. The game does such a good job of making me feel the weight of her in my arms, and it is such a myopic place to leave things, the Prince slowly walking out of the temple as the credits roll silently in step with him. The "epilogue" that follows feels like the end of Spielberg's A.I. in that it appears Ubisoft blinked on leaving things on such an ambiguous downer (although I felt thoroughly more depressed with the way things end up playing out). I guess the good news is that there will almost certainly be a sequel.