"Debunkifying" My Beliefs About Tobacco

Today I heard a radio ad that made me want to kill myself. A teenage girl, with a stereotypical, cheerleader voice, is talking about the things she believes about her world. She believes that the cell phone is the greatest invention ever. She believes that the mall is overrated, but necessary. She believes that she won't smoke, no matter what her BFF Cunt and other BFF Skank (the names may have been slightly different in the actual ad) tell her. She believes she can make her own choices, and "Debunkify" the myths she hears about cigarettes and tobacco. Then a voiceover lady told me to check out debunkify.com to get the TRUTH about tobacco. Thank God! Everyday, I'm bombarded with hundreds, nay, thousands of stories about tobacco. But how can I be sure what the real stink is? Come with me, as we DEBUNKIFY these horrible, hurtful, slanderous, racist (?) lies about tobacco.

• MYTH #1: SECOND HAND SMOKE ISN’T THAT DANGEROUS. (AS TOLD BY SASQUATCH.)

TRUTH: SECOND HAND SMOKE IS DEADLY. EVERY TEN MINUTES, IT KILLS A NON-SMOKER.

I have never had anyone, ever, tell me that second hand smoke isn’t dangerous. (Of course, I’ve never met sasquatch, so maybe that’s why. Maybe that’s what sasquatch does, tell people myths about smoking, so that’s why Oregonians living in trailer parks want to kill him, but they can’t because he’s hidden at Area 51, which is funded by Winston Salem!!! It’s all coming together now!) No one’s ever told me it is dangerous, either, but I still try to avoid it because it stinks like hell and is annoying. And with the laws in place today, if you’re around someone smoking, then it’s entirely your fault for standing with them outside of your office building around the corner in the shed erected the requisite 500 feet from all exits. As for the truth we are told about second hand smoke, I cry bullshit. First of all, that death rate seems a little high. Second, how do they know that second hand smoke is THE absolute cause of death? What if the guy worked in a coal mine earlier in life or something?

• MYTH # 2: MOST OHIOANS SMOKE. (AS TOLD BY A CENTAUR.)

TRUTH: NEARLY 80% OF OHIOANS DO NOT SMOKE.

Ahhhhh, snap, centaur, are you just gonna take that? Are you gonna let some punk, androgynous TEENAGER in one of Kurt Cobain’s sweaters tell you that you can’t tell the meaning of the word “most?” Seriously, though, I imagine this site is to help keep teens from starting smoking, which is fine, I guess (not really, though, or why would I be doing this?). By that rationale, then, the makers of this site believe that a teen may start smoking because that teen believes that most Ohioans smoke. I have to believe that if I were to go to a high school parking lot, flip my collar up, lean against my car, light up a smizzie, and tell all of the kids gathered around me in awe that most Ohioans smoke, they would just think that I was dispensing interesting—but unhelpful—trivia. And again I must question where they got that %80 from. I am an Ohioan, and I was never even asked if I smoke or not. So how accurate can their survey actually be if they didn’t ask a pillar of culture and trend such as me?

• MYTH #12 (I SKIPPED AHEAD A LITTLE): SMOKING IS AN AFFORDABLE LUXURY. (AS TOLD BY A UNICORN.)

TRUTH: THE COST OF A PACK A DAY FOR A YEAR COVERS A NEW CAR PAYMENT FOR SIX MONTHS.

This is ridiculous. First of all, how do they know how much my new car payment is? Second, I’m pretty sure smoking is an affordable luxury. Everyone I know who smokes is in the same tax bracket as me, and they don’t seem to be straining too much. They can AFFORD it, thus making smoking an AFFORDABLE luxury. And although I’ve never smoked, I did chew tobacco for nearly eight years, and I went through about a can a day (which is more expensive than a pack a day). I quit in October, and if my can a day habit was really such a financial strain, then I would be living quite the high life now. Unfortunately, the extra 20 bucks a week in my pocket means I can eat Chipotle an extra night, not go out and put six months down on my a new Lexus.

Now the point of this wasn’t to condone teenage smoking, because I think smoking is a disgusting, wasteful habit. But I’m not going to tell anybody about it, because it’s up to them to decide. If you don’t know the dangers of smoking by now, then you deserve to die of lung cancer. So, Debunkify, and Truth, and whatever other stupid ass campaign is cooked up to scare kids away from tobacco, give it a rest, huh? Let me listen to my radio without preaching to me, okay? Thanks.